Advice to the European Union

Ladies and gentlemen of the European Union,

BUY AIR CONDITIONING. If there were one piece of advice I could give you, air conditioning would be it. The advantages of air conditioning have been proven by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering European experience. I will dispense this advice now:

Enjoy the wealth and safety of your country. Well, never mind, you won't understand the wealth and safety of your country until it has faded. Only then will you realize, in a way you cant grasp now, how many opportunities laid before you and how easy it was to criticize the rest of the world.

Don't give unconditional aid to terrorists. Or rather; give the aid but know that giving aid unconditionally is about as affective as trying to convince a lion not to eat you by using bubble gum.
The real solutions to complex geopolitical issues are apt to be things that never crossed you worried mind. the kind that involve more than the two stories you heard on the news.

Lower the price of your vegetables. Eating vegetables is a good way of staying healthy. Lowering their price will ensure all levels of society can eat them as well, and can replace much of the international aid you give to Africa.

Drink less beer. Beer is a beverage designed for refreshment and not binging. If getting drunk is your aim, hard liqueur saves money and makes you more tolerable.
Don't drink regularly before five in the afternoon. It is bound to make you less productive at work and less hospitable on the tram ride home.

Maybe you're a capitalist, maybe you're not.
Maybe you're on welfare, maybe you're not.
maybe your economy is steady, and maybe your government cooked the books and crashed your pension fund.
Whatever you are, never congratulate yourself too much. Or berate yourself either. Your economy is reliant on the Americans, and so is everybody else's.

Watch television and movies in their original language. It is a good way to learn that language and makes the content sound a little less ridiculous.

Expect to pay something for your education. Free education tends to be of poor quality, low standards, and makes it possible to still use a blackboards and chalk in the 21st century.

Remember that hair styles come and go, but there are few that should be gone for good. 80's haircuts are an eyesore. People who ware them are not thought of as rebels but rather stupid teenagers who conform to an even more ridicules trend.

Forgive yourselves for colonialism. Because no one else will do it until you do. Colonialist guilt is a good way of taking your money and it will only end when you stop paying up.

Be suspicious of absolute moral certainty. Socialism isn't always right, Israel is not evil, and Americans are not always stupid.
Absolute certainty tends to make people meddle in things that have nothing to do with them and often leads to colonialist guilt.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a sort of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of remembering my time in Europe, ignoring all the good parts and offering it back for more than its worth.
But trust me on the AIR CONDITIONING!